Conan: The Barbarian

My fiance has been haranguing me to start this up again, as it was well and truly kicked into touch as the PhD monster took over.

Last night, we went to see Conan and she mentioned it again, so I promised her that if it was as utterly appalling as I expected, I'd write something down.

So, to the film...

I should probably start by stating that I'm not a fan of the original Conan films with Herr Schwarzenegger. I had watched the first Conan film a while ago and really didn't enjoy it, so I never bothered with Conan the Destroyer. As my better half was a fan of the originals though, I reluctantly agreed to go along and gauge just how bad the new "version" was.

If you like cheese, and I mean stringy, stinking, greasy cheese, then you'll probably love the new Conan film. Three words accurately summed it up for me: blood, boobs and blur.

The central storyline follows an enemy warlord, Khalar Zym, who attacks Conan's village when he's still a child, seeking for the final piece of a powerful artifact, capable of raising the dead. In the process, his father is killed before his eyes and the search for vengeance is set in motion.

We catch up with a grown up Conan around 20 years later, still seeking for the man who killed his father and laid waste to his village. Conan allows himself to be captured by one of those involved in the death of his father, who reveals the current whereabouts and plan to capture a "pureblood" descendent of the original necromancers who constructed the mask. We cut to Zym, who is attacking a monestary, where they believe a pureblood is residing - sensing the attack, the monastery leader sends Tamara away to the safety of her homeland, to prevent her blood falling into the hands of Zym and so the story is set, as Conan seeks his revenge and Zym seeks the blood of Tamara.

The film attempts to base it's entire success on the battle sequences, with very little emphasis put onto the sorcery element, which was much more present in the originals. However, the action sequences are set at such a pace and attempt to squeeze in so many shots, that it tends to lose some of the focus, both in relation to the plot and the camerawork.

The characters have very little substance to them and the dialogue is almost inert to the film, whereby the clashing of steel and screams of victims are the most prominent sounds. The acting is horribly one dimensional in places and there's absolutely no willing them on to succeed. In fact, the only thing I found myself "willing" was for the film to end.

I'm glad we never opted for the 3D version, having read many reviews of it being pounded as "needless" by most critics.